It's been awhile..

It has been awhile since I wrote something.  I'm so thankful for friends who have stuck with me! 

School started off rocky.  As anything new does.  His second year in high school, a long lazy summer, getting back into routine, new classes, new people.  It is all so much sometimes.  His anxiety has been through the roof and sleeping is so inconsistent.  This crazy combination makes for a rough few weeks.  Pile all of this onto a medicine adjustment.  I won't like, some days it is all I can do but to just keep up.  Keep myself going.  Keep him going.  To keep my own anxiety in check. 

This is the first week, I've not been in contact either by phone, email or in person since school started.  *knocks on wood*  He has so many things swirling around in his head and it projects on how he looks at each day.  I hate that for him.  I think everyone deserves to wake up and JUST be happy. Instead, he wakes up from a sleepless night, anxiety driven, paranoid and anxious.  I'm sure losing so much sleep at night isn't helping either.

After a few weeks and several meetings, I think we have a good plan set in place.  His math teachers this year are excellent.  They are very accommodating of his needs.  Aware of his strengths and struggles and I feel really are taking time to understand how he works.  His resource teacher is new but old.  She was there last year but not the one calling the shots.  She gets him and is non-abrasive in her approach.  That is such a key thing for him.  If you come on too strong, he shuts down.  Very pleased in that aspect of school life.  Let's face it, a good teacher makes all the difference.

So with that said.... Thanks for being here, friends!  Your support helps more than you'll ever know!

So it begins... SCHOOL!

It's that time again.  School stress and the anxiety that follows.  It has been a stress free, unstructured summer. I wouldn't say it has been great or not filled with its ups and downs, but so much better than when school comes back around.  

Even after preparation, several therapy sessions to manage the impact of it all, he has had a rough start.  We visited the school for open house, leaving half way through because he just couldn't handle it.  I couldn't handle it.  So much movement.  So much noise.  Anxiety is one of those things that can easily take over your life.  I've dealt with it all of my life.  Now, I see that same fear in him and it shatters my heart into a million pieces.  You're fine one minute and then BAM, you are in full on panic attack mode. 

Our first morning was fairly easy at home.  I worked with him the week before..  Get up early, shower, eat, etc.  We had that routine down!    

First school day, a complete wash.  10 minute pep talk in the car line.  He went in with his head held high.  Immediately, it went to him sitting in therapy for an hour, panic attack, stimming, anxious, overwhelmed.  A few other things triggered him which made the whole day spiral out of control.  Second day, our first email from school.  Rough start but finished out the day ok.  Third day, to be continued... 

I'm hoping as the days go by, he gets into his routine and learns the schedule, things will calm down for him.  They have to.  He works so hard. He deserves to feel confident with himself and his ability. Everyone deserves this!! 

On a positive note, over the summer, he has been completely consumed with game coding and building a website.  We were talking about math and how it could be helpful if he chose this for a career one day.  For once, he agreed.  FINGERS CROSSED this will drive his interest in Math to a whole new level! 

Best Friends

This is the last week.  The last week he will see his best friend of almost 4 years.  Thinking about this is hard.  Writing about it harder.

So many years he has been socially withdrawn.  Grasping for friendship.  He found a few and latched onto them only to be thrown to the side because of his quirky, fun loving behavior.  Kids can be cruel.  It hurts to see your child try so hard only to be let down time and time again. 

In 6th grade, the first year of middle school, he had his first real year of moving and doing things a bit on his own.  Middle school brings a little more responsibility.  He was diagnosed in 5th grade with ASD and that was all a blur but middle school was a fresh start.  A fresh scary start.

He would go to social skills class with a group of maybe 20 other kids on the spectrum.  Over the school year he developed a friendship.  A friendship that would later blossom into something beautiful.  Both of these guys have come so far.  I've watched them struggle but lean on each other.  This friend has come over every weekend, every other weekend. He is part of our family.  I've learned his quirks, dislikes, likes.  Really, they are like a mirror image of one another.  Twins separated at birth.

In a few short days he will move.  As the day approaches, I feel a sadness creeping in.  This school year is going to be different.  His friend will not be waiting outside every morning.  They will never be able to walk up to school together, give each other a high-five or find a secluded place in the hall to talk.  That physical, face to face, friendship will not be there anymore.  I'm truly scared to see the downward spiral that is to come. 

In the back of my mind, I've always thought they would walk down that aisle to get their diploma.  I just wanted to get him successfully through high school with his friend by his side. 

Here we go on the roller coaster of life.  ..  Again.  Depression, fear, anxiety. 

I'm that Mom!

I'm that Mom who schedules a summer full of appointments.  Most families are scheduling vacations and fun things to do but I'm sitting here looking over our appointments scheduled for the next few weeks. Dentist, therapy, PT.  We still do those other things but when you can work both in, I think that is really getting the most of our summer.

Months ago, we found out about the mild Scoliosis.  He is growing rapidly.  Officially 6' tall.  I'm 5'6 so you can imagine how that plays out!  So, our first visit to the physical therapist was fun.  A referral from our pediatrician.  I really didn't know what to expect.  She went from speaking harshly to him, trying to ask questions, waited for him to respond and seemed to be losing her patience.  I immediately stepped in.  It is hard to watch your 6' tall, 15 year old teenager stand and look lost.  You see the frustration building on his face when he can't find the words.  Just a simple question sends his anxiety into overdrive.  You think those times would get a bit easier since, well, we aren't new to this.  I'm telling you, it hurts, so deeply.  The older he gets, the harder it gets.  Anxiety is a horrible thing.  Then he immediately starts to stim.  You know it is time to pull the cord!

Yep, I'm that Mom who looks a professional in the eye and says, "Can we step into the hallway?"  After a little chat, she seemed to change her tone.  She immediately went back in and started over.  She mentioned working with other kids who also had Autism.  Asked him about things which may bother him.  Loud noises, certain sounds, lights, touch, etc.  It may work out after all.  Fingers crossed!

I still have that achy feeling in my heart, that moment when I'm holding back the tears, trying to let him do this.  Let him answer questions.  I just want to help him, make life easier for him.  But that isn't helping him is it?  He has to do this, doesn't he?  In a few years, he will be considered an adult.  What will we do?  The unknown kills me.  I'm a scheduler, the planner, the go to person for him.

We will face that when the times comes.  For now, we will keep doing what we do best, take one day at a time. 

*Side note:  We met a fellow Autism parent last week.  I've known this Dad for a over 2 years now.  I spent time prepping J for our visit.  He is always nervous when meeting new people.  After mentioning that this Dad knows Autism, no matter what he did or said, this person wouldn't judge him.  The visit went great.  J was relaxed and talked computer.*  Small victory!   
 

HE did it!!

As I sit in the car line waiting for his last day to be over, his last exam for 9th grade, I see him RUNNING OUT!  That smile.  That huge sigh of relief on his face!  He collapses in the back seat.  He did it!  He made it through one of his toughest years of school yet.  I mean, those other years haven't been easy but this year, it has been hell!  

I've been spending the last few days reflecting.  Somewhat depressed about how much we haven't accomplished.  How much more we could have done.  I'm the type of mom who really stays on top of things throughout the year.  Communicating with teachers, working on homework, studying.  I'm not striving for perfection by any means but I want to get the most out of his year, academically and socially.  

Then I snap back to reality.... HE (we) accomplished so much!  We went into the unknown, the first year of a new school, bigger responsibilities , bigger challenges, more accountability for his work and actions.  HE did it!  He took this school year and all of it's crazy challenges, the up and down emotional roller coasters and SMASHED IT.  

I cannot even begin to describe the love and pride that beams from my face and my heart.  I'm honored to be his mother.  This kid is amazing!!  If he has taught me anything it is to look at the good and bad in a situation.  To see what really matters!

"I will conquer the world!!"

                                                           YES YOU WILL!


P.S.  A shout out to my fellow Autism parents for helping me survive this school year.  For listening to me whine and always being there for support.  You know who you are!  

8 days!

In 8 days school will end.  This will be the end of our 1st high school year.  I'm relieved yet scared in many ways.  This year has been rough.  In more ways than one.  Socially he has made such huge progress.  He's stepped outside of his comfort zone.  Summer typically brings a more socially withdrawn kid.  No matter how much I have planned, how many fun things we do..  He typically resorts to sitting in front of a device.  This summer will be especially hard.  His friend (also autistic) of 4 years is moving.  We've chatted about it.  He knows it's coming.  Separate post on that later..  

He left me a ton of paperwork to filter through this morning.  As I looked over the leftover notebooks he had doodled in, the countless graded papers, I found a folder.  It was a folder they had compiled throughout the year with feelings, things about themselves.  The 1st page was hard to read but expected.

"I do not have a good filter.  I prefer not to have friends in any other classes.  I'm sensitive and prefer others not to talk about me."

There were many many pages.  One thing I noticed throughout, he seemed to gain a bit of confidence.  That last page hit me hard.  My heart swells just seeing and knowing how far he has come this school year.  Yes, it has been hard.  I know it will only get harder.  Academically, socially, physically.  Difficult, depressing.  He strives to find his place.  Some days he really doesn't care to find that place.  But that last page................

Don't judge somebody, unite with them, become a friend.

Transistions are hard!

This school year has been hard.  Like, really hard.  His first year in high school.  The transition was hard for him.  Bigger school, new routines, greater responsibilities.  It started out rocky.  We survived the midway point. We're finishing off rocky.  He's grown so much advocating for himself.  He's grown socially.  Academically he has struggled.  It's hard to watch.  Falling on that downward slope, spiraling out of control.  The tools are there, he refuses to use them.  I often wonder if he will stop living day to day.  If he will ever see the bigger picture.  He's 15 after all.  The realization hits you like a ton of bricks.  I just keep telling myself, keep pushing him.  Keep encouraging and guiding.  No matter what, keep on keepin on. 

This morning on the way to school, our conversation was about senior projects.  They went to see a few yesterday that were set up.  One was on Autism.  A boy within his program is graduating this year.  He has Autism.  

He said-  You know, I want to graduate too.  I wonder what I'll do my senior project on?  

There you have it..  It is in the back of his mind.  I'm sure it was always there.  

He has grown so much.   

Keep on keepin on.